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doom, d- doom, doom, doom

behold the piggy

9/13/06 02:04 am - for a moment, he looked like a puppy that wanted to curl up and howl its pain away.....

i got that from this book i read like 2 years ago. for some reason it stayed with me. and now i think i can understand it. i was starting to feel the huge weight that was placed on me, and it was really heavy. but i got used to it and kept walking down that road of self discovery. and it seems bout a mile after this initial weight was placed on me, its fat cousin wants a lift towards god knows where. and the funny thing is, i can only blame myself for how and why its happening. i allowed myself to be used just so i could feel something. sad part is, is that that feeling never stayed for long and i had to go to farther extremes to gain what i thought i couldnt live without. like an addict the cravings consumed everything i touched. friendships, my family, school, and work; it didnt matter who or what was reaching out to me, i was consumed by this need to feel like i was whole. and one day i realized that i was only imagining that this feeling i got made me feel better. that instead of happiness, i i was really feeling pieces of me breaking off. so i made my own special twelve step program to cleanse myself of this addiction, and i thought i was pretty successful. and to a certain extent i was. i just couldn't excape unscathed. what i thought was one scar has now turned into two.

whewwww....enough of the depressed-introspective writing. it takes alot to write like that, lol. right now im stuck in my room with an awesome laptop because im sick. hmmmmm...good things do come from bad. cool beans, lol.

5/23/06 12:38 pm

okay, i know im like 50 years too late to say this but happy belated b-day vida! 19 is such a great number and 20 will be too when i get there too. and when are you seeing the green lady again? im trying to book a ticket now so i may enjoy her witchiness myself. oh yeah, hi again to all you livejournalers out there who think i died or something. nope not dead yet, at least i dont think so. anyway, i have tons of things to say. first, i work at wal-mart. oh my god, i think i joined a cult or something. people talk about sam walton ( wal-marts creator) like he is some kind of god or something. and dont say something mean about him or else you'll be ostracized from the water cooler. i know this from personal experience. im just now getting back into the bosses good graces and this happened almost 6 months ago. sheesh talk, about touchy. whatelse...hmmmmmmm i have something really important to say, but im not sure how to say it. its kind of the reason for the hiatus. comment and i guess that means youre important enough for me to tell you

10/29/05 09:48 pm - and finally....

* people who are under the age of 17 should not read this post.

okay, i was kinda tight lipped about the whole thing, but i think now is the time to come clean. it was the 24th of september and i was strolling into work feelin pretty good about myself. i go to look at what area i was gonna be working and to my surprise, i have absolutely nothing up. oh well, my boss does this all the time, i'll just work on whatever. but then i find out that i dont even have a schedule up, so then i got kind of worried. and then i got pissed off... extremely pissed off. and as some of you know, i can be a very angry person. anywho, i go looking for my boss, and yet again, the fucker is late, which fuels my anger even more because this nazi pig bastard had the nerve to try and write me up for coming in 5 minutes late when he, the "big" boss, comes in 15 to 30 minutes late almost everyday. so i looked for the manager Darryl, whom is the best boss in the world, and i asked him what should i do. he says,"dont touch anything and wait till Carl(my boss) gets in." so i do just that.

30 minutes later....

carl walks in and asks me what i am i doing standing around and i told him i dont even have a schedule up. he says, and i quote 'Darnell, im tired of you not doing anything around here!' and thats when i went off.

ME: 'you fucking bastard! who the hell are you to try and tell me that im lazy? at least i bring my ass in on time everyday! and dont even try to give me im the boss shit either cause you dont act like one! all this talk about acting like a fucken team and you leave the first sign of trouble!

carl: 'what do you mean by that?'( and the sonovabitch had the nerve to be calm!!! made me even madder!)

ME: 'im talkin bout yesterday when ya ass had left the whole crew to do backstock all by ourselves knowing that we had 4 new people and only 2 regular workers. that was grimey and yo know it!

after that, i cant remember exactly what i said but i ended up being escorted of the premises of meijer. but thats not the best part. that will come tomorrow, cause im tired

9/26/05 11:45 pm - i dont wanna grow up....

the webster definition of responsible is being "able to answer for one's conduct and obligations." i try my hardest to do just that, but it never seems to work out the way i want it to. and i think that im a horrible person for that. im a bum, whose only source of income now is his parents. i go to school, but thats only because i had to. im now a fucking freshman in college,again, because i fucked up the first time. i wanted to persue a music career when i knew that thats not something that i should do at this time. i lied to my dad about that one, but im pretty sure ill have to come clean real soon. i guess what im trying to say is, im in a real fucked up place, and being faced with the thought of more responsibility is getting to be...scary. im not the strong person i make myself to be. im not. im just this really scared guy who is just frightened of having to be an adult. and i know i shouldnt but i am. all i wanna do right now is just curl up and cry but pride is keeping me fromdoing that. thats another thing thats got to change. i cant be too proud

8/15/05 03:03 pm

so here is the big day. im now 19. good god, i feel the power!!!!lol. well, as a sign of peace my dad has decided to get me a new car. how great is he?! probably one of the greatest dads in the world. and im not just saying that because of the car, although it was a nice incentive.

8/4/05 05:25 am - addiction

this week is really crazy, im getting this feeling of extreme need and want. so i go to this place to get my fix, and then i finally think about it. i have a problem. and going cold turkey is not an option. at first i was ready to give it up and go cold turkey. the feeling of need is still there, almost too strong to be qieted with one dose. so how can i get better?

7/27/05 12:00 pm - i think ive finally gigured him out

by him, i mean my brother. with him, he thinks that stregth should be able t o solve anything; ie: hes stronger than me+ he has more power in the household. well, that equation is fundamentally wrong. it matters not who is stringer, but who is the more manipulative, cunning , and dare i say it, down right dirty. and god knows how i loathe these qualities in a person or even myself, but i think its the only alternative to beating the shit out of my brother then being sent to jail. so i guess i have to do it., but i swear to all that is holy in this world, if he steps to me like he can actualy take me one more time, i will beat the shit out of him, only cause i love him( most of the time)

7/24/05 07:53 am - sittin outside and smokin

Vida, your party was so cool. my mom said thanx for the food too! so at your party i took a time out to go outside and chill for a second and smoke with my good friends jessyca(sosorry if i spelled it wrong) and then marissa, which was so fun. wow, im up insanely early

7/19/05 09:38 pm - BLue Duchess and College

okay, so as some of you may have heard, my father came home frinday evening. it was such a joyous ocassion since i had not seen him in a good while( i didnt get the chance to see him off when he went back to germany.) so of course i was happy. but in the back of my mind i couldnt help but think. the trounle is gonna start in like less than a week. well...i was right. only two days since he hab been home and already, im getting cussed out about something i had no control over. the Blue Duchess, the only thing in this world that can seriously call mine, had, as i called it, 'broken down'. on that day my parents and i had driven to my nonnies house to see if my dad could do anything about it. now when i had last driven her, there was a quarter tank but at this point in time, there was nothing in her. i chalked that up to the car being broken, but how the hell was i supposed to know that someone(mom) had used her? well, after putting gas in her, she ran!! my joy was quickly thrown to the ground and stomped on when my dad cussed me out about it!!

dammit all to hell, sometimes i just wished that he'd understand thatim not as car savy as he is, or as smart, or pretty much anything like him. its like he thinks that when he gae me his name that i was supposed to become some mini clone of him.

okay, so on the way home, dad asks me about school. now school is one thing that i thought that i could actually hold my own with him on...so wrong. i told him that i planned on attending macomb for about a year and transfer out to maybe amda or msu, depending on how the music or psychology thing looked to me. and like the total jerk that he is( sometimes i think he doesnt realize that hes doing it) he tells me that doesnt seem like a good choice. first he says why not go back to baker, where id be in a dorm room and be able to be around people my age. i tried to point oit that i had never really liked baker in the first place, and the only reason i went was because i felt that was what he wanted me to do. now i was trying to things the way i had wanted and he was acting like it didnt even matter. then he said some more stuff, but i zoned him out, only answering with the ocasional 'yes sir, youre right'

i understand that im kinda not in the position to argue with him, when hes putting a roof over my head and feeding me, but enough is enough. hes being very hypocritical. he tells to to be more responsible and when i do it, he undermines me.

okay. im tired of ranting, time to sleep

7/16/05 09:00 pm - dad

my dads home for good
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